Just another day in paradise

Miss me? crickets…

Still here! Alive and all.

So it’s been a week!

Got some new ink! About time right?

So this piece was a learning experience. Have you ever heard of the tattoo flu? It’s a real thing. Google it.

The day of the tattoo I was so busy. I kept thinking I’ll get something to eat in a sec. Sec never happened and then, omg, I better go so I won’t be late. So all went well til it didn’t. My artist was working and I started to feel a chill. I had my jacket over my legs and started to feel a chill. This should have been a clue. I asked my artist is it cold in here? She said “no, it’s pretty nice in here actually. So we continued. Talking and tatting.. She’s a beautiful girl and we talked about all sorts of things. Afterward I stood up put on my jacket and started to shake. There was a woman standing next to me who said you’re going into shock.. I was all what? I’ve had numerous tattoos never , have I ever, experienced anything close to this. So I walked outside to go to my vehicle. Saw a friend and told her I can’t stop shaking, she says, you’re going into shock. So everyone knows this but me? I went to my car turned up the heat and the seat warmer. Texted someone else who immediately got concerned. Isn’t it funny who you tell things to when there’s a problem? Lesson learned is all I can say. Next time, full meal. taking water and a friend.

So it took me a week to get over whatever I had and it was no picnic. Still nursing a fever blister on the lip.

So here’s a picture of the offending tattoo.

Pretty isn’t it?

It’s blue his favorite color. He loved snakes as well. I have so many pictures with him holding a rattler. I was always scared he was going to get bitten. The Orchid for strength to keep living without him in this life. Something beautiful has to come out of something so awful. Doesn’t it?

I will always miss him.

One of his favorites

I hope your heart is at peace and you are fully loved.

✌️🖤

Raq

More Than

More than

This body, this face

As I sit here looking at my last surviving child that is intubated and has tubes running in and out of her body. It hits so hard how we are so much more than this body that houses our being.

She is sunshine, happiness, kindness and love..

When she was a child I remember being at a hospital visiting someone and it was her birthday. My daughters birthday. She was tiny, maybe 4 or 5. She had chosen a Barbie at the store because we were out of town. While we were in the waiting room there was a sick child she saw and spoke to. Yes, it was a long time ago. She pulled me aside and asked if she could give the little girl the doll. Of course I said yes, and I got a bit emotional. But that’s when I knew the heart in my child. As she got older it got more expensive. She couldn’t see someone not having what she had.

Now don’t get it twisted she has the heart of a lion. I’ve seen her take on her brother for fun and anyone who threatens someone she loves.

But the goodness outweighs all the bad.

No matter what happens she will be ok.. so will I. Because I got to be her mom.

R

So Today

Today was a bad day.

I was off all weekend and maybe that’s why. I had time? My soul feels tired and there’s this deep sadness. I want to be alone.. Everyone talks and laughs and wants me to join in. I just want them all to go. Go live their lives in their way and let me be. Just be.

It would be nice to have someone to lean on. Someone who understands not just stares with pity because they just don’t know. What are they thinking? She should be over it already. She needs to move on… I rarely say anything because I get that stare. I know it’s hard for people to know what to say. So for their sake I smile and act like I’m ok. It’s exhausting…

How it feels

How does it feel?

Going through daily motions, when it’s obvious that it’s the last thing a person wants to do.

Maybe a good disconnect… or reconnect? Ha!

It’s a terrible thing to waste.

My first song choice fell away as soon as this came on.

Because seriously you don’t know how it feels, until it’s you.

 Let me run with you tonight
I’ll take you on a moonlight ride

… There’s someone I used to see
But he don’t give a damn for me

… But let me get to the point, let’s roll another joint
And turn the radio loud, I’m too alone to be proud
And you don’t know how it feels
You don’t know how it feels to be me

Yup a song for everything….

✌️ 🖤

Carry on?

How does one move on?

One foot in front of the other as before. I suppose.

This world is a lonely place, especially when you’re on the inside looking out. Smile and everyone will think you’re ok.

Is it even real?

In a time of grief…. You see things even clearer. ( is that a word?)

Wish I could trade places….

I miss you more than life…

✌️❤️