So Today

Today was a bad day.

I was off all weekend and maybe that’s why. I had time? My soul feels tired and there’s this deep sadness. I want to be alone.. Everyone talks and laughs and wants me to join in. I just want them all to go. Go live their lives in their way and let me be. Just be.

It would be nice to have someone to lean on. Someone who understands not just stares with pity because they just don’t know. What are they thinking? She should be over it already. She needs to move on… I rarely say anything because I get that stare. I know it’s hard for people to know what to say. So for their sake I smile and act like I’m ok. It’s exhausting…

The year

So it’s been a year that you posted that 3 doors down song when I’m gone.. then you were.

Funny thing is I was gonna listen to it and this one came up.

And I am…

God bless you n I love you baby.

Carry on?

How does one move on?

One foot in front of the other as before. I suppose.

This world is a lonely place, especially when you’re on the inside looking out. Smile and everyone will think you’re ok.

Is it even real?

In a time of grief…. You see things even clearer. ( is that a word?)

Wish I could trade places….

I miss you more than life…


The last letter

I don’t even know where to start.. the heartache? The beginning?

Memories flood my mind of you as a child, as a teen, as a father.. your smile, laugh, and how you would try to protect me.

I suppose every mother who loses a child thinks the thoughts of I was supposed to go first.. how dare you? Were you alone? Did you know you were leaving us? I’m so selfish thinking how your death will affect my life.. your children? How will they grow up without you?

This is a the last song you posted on your Facebook… did you know?

You are the first who called me Raq.. so you could get my attention anywhere. It worked..

I will forever miss you.. like as long as I live anyway..

Sleep well my son